How Active Listening Transformed Me from Grumpy to Gracious

I have been a curmudgeon most of my life. Fortunately, I have changed to a sunnier disposition in recent years. One critical component of that change was the development of the skill of active listening, the topic of today’s post. You can find the associated podcast here.

In a prior version of myself, I may not have yelled and scowled like Clint Eastwood and told someone to get off my lawn, but I was known as a crusty fellow. For instance, when I was introduced to one of my favorite colleagues for the first time in her role as Special Projects Lead, I, unsatisfied with the project’s progress up to that point, said, “Well, look at you. Your project is off the rails, so you can’t be too special!”  I already had the quip I would say in my mind and was not listening to what my new colleague was saying.

Going from crusty to collegial does not happen overnight.  You have to work on active listening to become more empathetic. Developing the skill of active listening has helped me change from grumpy to gracious.  What is active listening?  Charles Duhigg explains how active listening is hard but the key to honest communication in his latest book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection:

“So, to become a supercommunicator, all we need to do is listen closely to what’s said and unsaid, ask the right questions, recognize and match others’ moods, and make our own feelings easy for others to perceive. Simple, right? Well, no, of course not.”

I highly recommend Duhigg’s. Although I am not yet a super communicator, I have become a better communicator, friend, and colleague through active listening. Here are five ways that you, too, can become a better listener and person.

Active Listening to Others, Not Yourself. 

You will not learn something new if you already have your mind made up.  At least three conversations are going on between two people – two internal discussions and the actual one between the two people.

You need to turn off the inner voice in your head to truly hear and see (more on that later) what the other person is saying.  If you focus on what pithy comeback you will say to better your argument, you will miss the point and emotion the other person is trying to convey.    

Instead, turn off the voice in your head and focus on the person speaking to you. You will better understand their point of view and the sentiment behind it.  If you don’t understand, ask for clarification to avoid escalation. 

Listen with Your Eyes.

Seventy percent or more of any conversation is nonverbal. You get a better feel for the person’s emotion when talking to them face to face or screen to screen than through an email.  But only if you take the time to look up and look at the person speaking and turn on your camera during Zoom calls. 

If you take the time, you can notice more about the person’s emotional and physical state.   A frantic person who just dealt with Austin’s morning traffic may say something that causes you offense because they are stressed out.  You may take it wrong if you do not see they are still recovering from the shock of a car that strayed too far in their lane. 

Pause to Understand the Type of Conversation.

Verbal cues also help you understand the type of conversation that you are having. When someone is emotional, they may not want a solution immediately; instead, they may desire empathy and a person to listen to them.  Giving them a practical solution when the discussion is emotional does not do you any good.  Indeed, it will likely lead to miscommunication.

Charles Duhigg explains this point well in Supercommunicators:

“Miscommunication occurs when people are having different kinds of conversations. If you are speaking emotionally while I’m talking practically, we are, in essence, using different cognitive languages. (This explains why, when you complain about your boss—“Jim is driving me crazy!”—and your spouse responds with a practical suggestion—“What if you just invited him to lunch?”—it’s more apt to create conflict than connection: “I’m not asking you to solve this! I just want some empathy.”)”

The best way to avoid miscommunication when you are having a different type of conversation than the person you are talking to is to pause and ask for clarification.  In the above example, the spouse should have paused and said, “It sounds like Jim is getting on your nerves.  I know how that feels.  How can I help?”.  In this way, you invite connection and show empathy.

Mirror Their Conversation to Show Understanding

Mirroring is another effective way to demonstrate active listening and advance a relationship.  I rarely practiced this skill in my prior life as a curmudgeon.  Let me show what I did and what I should have done. 

One of our technical architects was concerned with an element of a framework we were using.  This is how the original conversation went.

Technical architect:  I am concerned about the framework we are using.  It has a flaw, I think.

Prior Don: Don’t worry about it. We have used it on over a thousand projects, so it should not be a problem.

The result of this conversation?  The technical architect left near the end of the project, which lowered the team’s morale.   

Here is what I should have said using the mirroring technique.

New Don:  I hear you think the framework has a flaw.  What is the flaw, and how might we address it?

Technical architect: We should show the framework team the flaw. I’m not sure if it will impact us, but it could under certain circumstances. It’s better to tell them than be sorry.

The second conversation demonstrates mirroring.  The new Don echoes back what the technical architect said to show that he is listening.  Chris Voss, in his book on negotiation Never Split the Difference, explains mirroring:

“Mirrors work magic. Repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. We fear what’s different and are drawn to what’s similar. Mirroring is the art of insinuating similarity, which facilitates bonding. Use mirrors to encourage the other side to empathize and bond with you, keep people talking, buy your side time to regroup, and encourage your counterparts to reveal their strategy.”

Every conversation is a negotiation, so use mirroring judiciously. 

Find Commonalities Through Active Listening. 

The best conversations form an authentic connection through commonalities. You can find something in common even with people with differing views. The best way to find these commonalities is through the techniques above. 

However, once you find a commonality, you must be careful about how you use it.  You should not use it as a way to one-up the person.  If someone tells you they are having a hard time because their kid is in the hospital, don’t go on and on about the time your kid was in the hospital.  That would make the conversation about you instead of what they feel.  Instead, it would be best to say you went through something similar.  Then, ask them how they feel and what you can do for them. 

I have become a more active listener and less of a curmudgeon in these five ways. If you are struggling with a similar problem, I recommend both books mentioned in this blog post. They will help you be less grumpy and more gracious and to change well. And until next time, Change Well!